Why Am I Still Angry?

By John Pennylegion, November 7, 2022.

“That’s a lot! I’m sorry you went through that. And it’s clear you’re still pretty angry.”

“Penny, I’ve never seen you like this – you’re so angry.”

Two different friends, two different occasions, and two, almost identical, observations about my emotional response when I recounted two separate events that had impacted me. One was from many years ago, one closer to the present. Yet, both comments made me reflect on my anger.

I’m fairly confident that those who know me wouldn’t call me an angry person. Perhaps direct, opinionated, generally happy, sometimes intense, but angry? I don’t think so (but who knows – I’ve never asked). Yet, on the occasions that brought about the above comments, I felt my heart rate rise, my blood pressure increase, and the volume of my voice go up. Anger was certainly what I was feeling. But why? It had been months, even years (in the one case) since the circumstance I was describing. Why did a simple recounting of the event bring such a strong emotional response? Why was I not just retelling the event but reliving it? Why was I holding on to my anger?

Before I go on, let me say that I don’t intend what follows to be normative for every person or every occasion. In other words, I’m not attempting to reduce every expression of latent anger to the reasons I’m about to describe. There are certainly events that are so traumatic and significant that each time a person thinks of them the wounds are reopened – there is a psychological and perhaps physical toll that has taken place. In no way would I diminish the reality of these situations. They’re real. The pain continues. Personal reflection alone won’t be enough to deal with the pain. Please, see a counselor; seek out someone to help you with the trauma.

It is not the extreme situation I’m talking about. Instead, I’m considering the milder, though still very real, occasions of pain. Those times we’ve been sinned against, treated unfairly, been misunderstood, and we hold on to our anger for months or even years. Why do we hold on? Why do I? Why do we treat our anger like a lump of sourdough starter, feeding it with new flour, not allowing it to shrivel and die? We sustain our anger with imaginative conversations in our mind, playing out what we will say next time or what we wish we would’ve said. By doing this, we’re ultimately strengthening our anger by withholding forgiveness, by stoking feelings of justification, and embracing self-righteousness.

Forgiveness is Withheld

The reason we may be holding onto anger is because though we’ve uttered the words, “I forgive you,” we haven’t truly forgiven. Yes, we’ve moved on. We’ve had conversations with those who have hurt us, we’ve smiled at them as we saw them at the store, said good morning to them before the service began, but we do so with every ounce of strength we can muster.

In the “Weight of Glory” C.S. Lewis says that forgiveness means we acknowledge the wrong, we accept their apology, and we “never hold it against [them]…” [1] To forgive them means we won’t hold this over them anymore. Of course, this doesn’t mean there isn’t hurt or the relationship returns to how it was, but we won’t bring up the event, we won’t throw it in their face. Lewis goes on to say that forgiveness means we will “make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart – every wish to humiliate or hurt him or pay him out.” [2] This is hard – very hard! When we’ve been hurt, when we’ve been sinned against, when we feel pain, we want those who caused the pain to feel our pain. To forgive means we will absorb the pain, we will ingest what they deserve.

Consider the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matt 18:21-35). Of course, we think of the servant’s hardness of heart toward his coworker. But think of the master. The one who forgave the debt. When he forgave what had been owed to him, he determined to go without. He was the one who would feel the consequence of the debt being relieved. To forgive, he had to absorb the debt.

In neither of my situations was there an astronomical financial debt that was owed me. I wasn’t experiencing financial loss. Yet, for me to forgive would mean that I would no longer be filled with anger towards my brother or sister; and that would mean that I couldn’t hold it against them.

Justification

Maybe forgiveness isn’t really the issue. Maybe the anger we are holding onto is a reflection of our attempt to justify ourselves.

When we continue to harbor anger towards another it might be revealing a feeling of wanting to hold onto being right. We’re sure we’ve been wronged, others have told us we’ve been wronged, and by continuing to be angry about the situation and against the person, we show how much we’ve been wronged. In other words, we feel justified in our anger.

Though this impulse is strong, it’s not gracious. Though we want to be right and want others to give credence to our “rightness,” this is more in line with the world than it is the kingdom of God. After all, when God extends his grace to us, he doesn’t keep fuming with anger against us. That anger has been taken by Christ. Our sins have been forgiven. God’s wrath and anger have been dealt with. His anger doesn’t have to burn in order for us to know he is right in his judgment. He doesn’t lord it over us, that’s what the rulers of this world do, instead, he forgives, is gracious, and calls us to put aside our wayward ways and follow him.

But maybe it’s not self-justification that causes us to hold on to our anger. Maybe, it’s self-righteousness.

Self-Righteousness

For those well-versed in the scriptures, we know the passages that tell us to “be angry and do not sin” (Ps 4:4; Eph 4:26). This means that anger isn’t always wrong. In fact, sometimes, when directed at sin and injustice, anger is completely appropriate. There is righteous indignation. We see this when Moses was enraged at the gold calf (Ex 32:15-20), when Phinehas was filled with zeal (Num 25:6-9), when David went to battle against Goliath (1 Sam 17:45-47), and when Jesus overturned the tables (Jn 2:14-17). Righteous indignation is real.

Yet not every expression of anger is righteous, no matter how much we convince ourselves that it is. Often, our “righteous indignation” is really “self-righteous indignation.” We’re not angry at the sin, we’re angry that anyone would sin against us. In other words, if the same thing had been perpetrated against another, we’d be sad and disappointed, but we’d quickly move on. The issue isn’t the sin that has been enacted, but that it’s been enacted against us. As I said earlier, this doesn’t mean the turmoil we experience isn’t real – it is. Yet, often, our holding onto anger isn’t about the other breaking God’s law or turning away from holiness, it’s about us. Our indignation is primarily about self, and that may not be righteous.

So, what are we to do?

Look Below the Anger

In each of the above instances, our anger isn’t ultimately the problem, it’s the expression of an abiding issue. Anger is often a secondary emotion that is hiding the primary one. Anger can be the manifestation of something deeper or a different sin. Therefore, we need to take time and ask, “What is our anger hiding?” [3]

Perhaps the issue is that our image has been tarnished and we value people’s opinions far too much. Or our judgment has been questioned and being the woman or man who has all the answers is what we pride ourselves in. Or maybe a deficiency has been pointed out and to say we’re wrong is more than we can bear. Or maybe it’s grief that you’re feeling but instead of it being expressed with tears it comes out with shouts. Whatever might be the issue beneath our anger, we need to deal with that if we hope to let go of our anger.

So, we must look at what our anger is masking. And then we need to practice forgiveness.

Practice Forgiveness

Of course, this is easier said than done. But when we consider what Jesus did for us to be forgiven, how can we not forgive? No question, Jesus’ act of sacrifice was unique. He is the only one who can make atonement for sin and can bring about the forgiveness that garners peace between us and the Father. Yet, since Christ has accomplished this great work of grace on our behalf, we are to be people of grace.

Consider the woman who came to Jesus weeping and washing his feet with her tears. The religious leaders were shocked Jesus received her, but he says to them, “her sins, which are many, are forgiven–for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” (Luke 7:47). The question this should illicit is, “How much have you been forgiven?” “How much have I?” If we’re self-reflective, we know that we’ve been forgiven a great deal; we’ve been forgiven more than we have forgiven. And so, this should prompt us to be a forgiving people.

Finally, we can release our anger by resting in God’s justice.

Rest in God’s Justice

If our anger, as said above, is a result of our self-justification or self-righteousness, what might be prompting this is an impatience with God to enact justice. We subtly, and maybe not so subtly, think that his justice should rain down immediately. But when it’s delayed, when it seems the sins of others continue, this can prompt us to take judgment into our own hands.

Yet, scripture is clear, God will bring his righteous judgment. His justice will come. This is a theme throughout Scripture. Deuteronomy 32 declares that God will bring vengeance (32:35); the Psalms are filled with declarations of God’s judgment (37:6, 28; 89:14; 103:6; etc.); Romans 1 tells us that his wrath is revealed (1:18), Romans 2 warns us that God’s judgment falls upon those who practice sin (2:2-3); and Jesus speaks directly to the judgment to come in many of the kingdom parables (Matt 13:36-32, 47-52; 18:21-35; 22:1-14; etc.). The biblical witness reveals that God’s judgment will come. He has not ignored, passed over, or forgotten his justice. Instead, God is patient. But his “patience is judgment postponed, not forgotten…that [his] patience is wrath restrained, not nullified.” [4] What we may be witnessing when we think judgment should come is God’s patience; and his “patience, rightly understood, should lead to repentance.” [5]

By resting in God’s patience and trusting that he will bring his justice, I’m not encouraging us to move into a stoic state of apathy towards those things that are truly anger inducing.

No.

Name the situation that stirs your anger, allow yourself to feel the emotion, and direct your heart to the Lord. We can hand the situation over to him and know that in his due time, justice will come. By resting in God’s justice, it helps us to know the freedom of naming sin for what it is while also trusting that God will deal with sin, thereby giving us the ability to relinquish our anger.

John Pennylegion is senior pastor of Christ the King Presbyterian Church in Roanoke, Virginia and author of “I Am: The Statements of Jesus,”.

[1] Lewis, C.S. Weight of Glory (City, State: Publisher, Date), 178-9.

[2] Ibid, 181.

[3] I’m thankful for my friend Louise Adams who pointed out that anger is often an outward expression of some other emotional issue or turmoil that we’re experiencing. Anger may be masking something deeper and more significant. 

[4] Doriani, Daniel M. Romans (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2021), 59.

[5] Ibid.